Guest Post: Karis’s Life as a PK

After wanting to share my experiences as a PK with people for some time, I decided to do this series when my dear friend Karis and I shared part of our story of friendship (and hating each other, a post in itself) with a group of teenagers on a retreat. After sharing our story, several of the adults were discussing PK life. Karis’s dad mentioned how helpful our stories could be to pastors. Thus this blog series was born and Karis and I are talking about other ways to share our story. She’s really great and I hope you enjoy this post about her life as a PK! (click here for the introductory post or for the first post, Daddy’s Clothes)

 

As a ten year old, the most exciting thing in my life was Florida State football. I lived and breathed going to the games, watching them with my Dad, cheering for the “good guys” and laughing at the “other ones”. I was on my way to one of the greatest FSU football games of all time when I got asked one of those pivotal questions in life. You know, the ones where you still remember where you were and what you were wearing 15 years later?

Here it was, the question that rocked my world: “How would you feel if I became a priest?”

Here was my educated, enlightened, ten year old response: “That sounds cool, Dad.” I was mildly engaged, much more focused on the more important things in my childhood, like the game we were about to attend.

You see, I didn’t give much (any?) thought at all to my Dad becoming a priest. In my experience, priests worked only a few hours every Sunday morning. They greeted people at the door in funny robes, preached a long, boring lecture, gave us the “snack”, told us to be good and sent us home. In my experience, priests’ kids got to go to summer camp for an extra week every summer! How cool was that?!

Perhaps if I’d been a little more prepared, I might have handled the transition into PK-dom with grace and tact. But you see, these are the things that nobody talks about. Why? Because telling other people about what it’s like to be a PK is pretty much akin to that nightmare everyone has of ending up in a public place naked. We don’t talk about it because it feels vulnerable, exposed. We don’t talk about it because if we start, how are we going to stop? And we don’t talk about it because if we were to tell you the truth, you would start to feel bad for taking our parents away from us as much as you do.

My entire experience as a PK can be summed up in this little nugget: “Whenever my Dad is with you, he’s not with me.”

Do me a favor? Next time you’re in church, take out the bulletin and read the upcoming events and check which ones you think your pastor might attend: Vestry meeting? Check. Men’s Bible study? Check. Women’s Bible Study? Probably not. Wednesday night programming: Check. Choir Rehearsals? A possibility. Then, add in the things that aren’t in the church bulletin: Planning meetings, staff meetings, deaths, counseling sessions, phone calls, networking, sermon writing, scheduling.

It’s a pretty exhausting list, isn’t it? Hard to handle it all in a business day, but then you add to the mix that many church-goers work a normal day shift, meaning that a lot of the events have to happen at night. Believe it or not, pastors have the same amount of nights per week that you do. The difference is that they don’t get to decide which events to be at and which ones to skip out on. They don’t get to cancel if it’s raining too hard, if their kid has a soccer game that night, or even because they’re tired. I would average that most priests are out of the home at least three weeknights every week, maybe even more. I would venture a guess that when they are home, most of them are so emotionally spent they find it hard to engage anyway.

I’m not saying this to complain about the PK way of life, or to make you feel bad. I don’t mind sharing my Dad with you. He’s a pretty cool guy, and I’m glad you get to know him. Sometimes, though, I want to get to know him, too. Sometimes, I want you to tell him it’s okay to stay home just this once. Mostly, I just want you to understand those kids that go home with his wife after church every Sunday.

My Life as a P.K: Daddy Clothes

Post one of my series “My Life as a P.K.” Feel free to read my introductory post to this series to see what it’s all about.

I heard the key in the lock. “Daddy’s home” I thought to myself. This was one of my favorite moments of the day as a little girl. Dad would walk in the door as Father Jim, dressed head to toe in black with just a sliver of a white collar around his neck. His job was being a Father, but when he walked in the door he was my daddy. After he said “hi” and gave hugs to my sisters and I, my parents usually went back to their room to have a few minutes to talk about their days. My two favorite people being unavailable to me and the anticipation of how dad would be dressed when they came out made this the longest 10 minutes of my little elementary school life. Would he be wearing Daddy clothes or still be in Father clothes?

Father clothes were his black clergy shirt with a white collar. Daddy clothes (anything casual) held a much more significant meaning to me. When Dad would come home and change into shorts and a t-shirt it meant for that evening I only had to share him with my sisters and my mom. It meant that he was available to help me with homework, to play, to read Lord of the Rings or the Chronicles of Narnia. It also meant that he could tuck me in, say prayers with me, and tell me a story (he is an amazing storyteller).

If he stayed in his Father clothes it meant that he was only home for a few minutes. Often it meant that he was home for a quick dinner but then he was needed elsewhere. People needed their Father, so I would share my Daddy.

This is an interesting way to learn the concept of sharing and it did not come easily. I remember clearly the disappointment I would feel if he received a phone call that would require him to change back into his Father clothes. I had no ability as a small child to understand that someone having a crisis (going to the hospital, death in the family, etc.) was more important in that moment than helping me with my math homework or wrestling or building huge blanket forts in the living room.

I was lucky that my dad did his best to balance being a Father and being a Daddy. He certainly made his relationship with the family a huge priority. We had a few intentional rules to keep to keep it that way, the one I remember most clearly was that if the phone rang during dinner (WAY back when the only way to call someone was a landline or beeper) it was not answered until everyone was finished eating and the dishes were being done.

If you are a pastor with small children, please find ways to set aside church business, and put on your “daddy clothes” whatever that means for you and your family. It will mean the world to your kids.

On the 7th day of Christmas I give you: A Series!

Happy 7^th day of Christmas! Happy last day of 2013!

This year has been very intense for me, I can’t say that I’m sad to see it end. I’m very much looking forward to 2014! A friend of mine recently asked me what I was looking forward to in 2014. Two major things immediately came to mind and I’m very excited about both: living in Guatemala for several weeks over the summer and graduating next December! In between I’m just looking forward to continuing the day-to-day things that I have learned I really enjoy.

At the end of my Reflections on Advent post I told you that I had plans for a series starting in the New Year. The series will be called (drumroll please):

My Life as a P.K.

Growing up as a pastor’s kid (we affectionately refer to ourselves as P.K.s) is an interesting experience. I have many friends who are also P.K.s and there is this strange, immediate bond that forms when you find out someone else is a P.K. I would imagine that this happens in other occupations as well, this has just been my experience. There is a lot of eye rolling that happens between P.K.s when the idea of “Church Politics” or unfair expectations comes up (more on those later in the series).

During this series I am going to share stories of my life (and hopefully some guest posts of other P.K.s.*). I have done work in my own heart and mind to come to peace with some of the harder aspects of being P.K. as well as doing the work to escape bitterness by recognizing the really great aspects of being a P.K. I want these stories to help other P.K.s find comfort and maybe begin to move away from the bitterness that is so easy to fall into.  I have experienced it myself and like the place of gratitude that I have found. I also hope that pastors who will read this can see some of the expectations and things that happen in the context of church life that aren’t helpful to children. I think unawareness is one of the biggest hurts to P.K.s. My desire is that this might help to fight some of that unawareness. I hope this series will clearly express the good and the bad, the joy and the pain, and ultimately the gratitude that I have for growing up as a P.K.

Also, I want to give a shout out to my parents. They are awesome. They are amazing parents and wonderful pastors. It is because of them that my two sisters and I continue to be involved in community and all three of us have relationships with Jesus. We escaped the P.K. statistic that 1 in 3 pastor’s kids will walk away from the faith. I’m really grateful that they are my parents!

Happy New Year everyone! May 2014 be full of peace-filled moments like the ones found in this prayer attributed to St. Francis:

Lord, make us instruments of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let us sow love; where there is injury, pardon;

where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

*if you are a Priest/Pastor’s kid and are interested in writing a guest post please email me at angelagracehobby(at)gmail(dot)com